Thursday, April 26, 2007
nowhere else to seek but here. hope my dearest friends will read this cos this time i really need you.
the past year hasn't been a good year at all. well maybe good in another sense, if i try to look at it positively. and how ironic that this is also the year i turn 21. the mark of an adult. maybe God is trying to tell me something, teach me something. i'm still such a kid you know? and i have so so much to learn still, so so much to grow up. yet i feel as time passes, i'm becoming more and more like some disgusting, horrible monster.
zhi, i was looking at fangpi just a couple of weeks ago. and i read this post abt me turning into some kinda monster in concord. and we had a talk abt it. i kinda vaguely rem that, but the topic seems more vivid to me. don't know if you remembered it. but why do i always have that feeling? (it's like i'm ichigo; having some hollow inside. HAHA. sorry for the bad metaphor, but i just watched BLEACH. so HAHA.)
anyhow sorry that i'm going in circles. but basically, i always thought that i'm someone who cares for my friends etc etc. i mean i do, but recently, 4 very close pple of mine have told me the EXACT same thing. and i don't think it's something that i can just pretend that it's not an issue. cos it IS. and that is that
"all i care is about myself; everything is me, me and ME."i don't disagree with that statement when i was told. in fact i agree. but it didn't really struck me how bad this can be? i mean yeah i know it's not good, but not like BAD BAD you know? it's not like my self-control blah blah. BUT today's incident made me realised that it is BAD BAD. and maybe even worse than this hyped-self-control thingy i've been having my entire life. bad why? cos i seem to be hurting and upsetting pple around me. and it's 4 very close pple of mine. it's not just some random pple. but 4 close pple of mine.
i mean yeah my self-control hurts pple. but i don't know. i think my selfishness is worse. i don't know man. i need to think.
am i becoming a horrible person? am i? i'm one person who hates horrible pple. i hate pple who are fake. i hate pple who don't spare a thought for others. i hate pple who are just flawed. and i'm the one who's damn freaking flawed.
flawed to the max! so i hate myself yea? yea start hating myself. cos i'm every of those thing i hate. why? why is life so ironic? why can't we practise what we preach? you know i honestly don't make this conscious effort of becoming selfish and horrible. it just happens without me knowing. and when i know, i've made some serious damage.
sheesh. i don't know what i'm going on about now. i hope i'll become better. but i need support. and right now i feel like i don't have. i really don't you know. there's no one in my uni that i can just fall upon like in secondary school or in concord. i really miss you guys. but i guess i just have to be strong and grow up right? i can forever depend on my friends. but seriously, there's no one. maybe wenzhuang but he's got his own life. now not even diana anymore. and it hurts.
guys, catch up soon ok? i really miss you all. i'll try to update more now. i'll try.. haha :P oh and i think i shouldn't be
"detached" anymore. i need a new line for a new change. though my self-control is still bad, but oh well. improved abit? heh. :P
p.s. just leave quackie alone! stop bothering him! HAHA! he's stressed out man. and dun worry. he won't die one. cos he's as strong as me. WAHAHA! :P
S ranted at 10:52 pm |
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